I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
