what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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