Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
