my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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