Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Shame - the story of my life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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