One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Green mimosas i think yes
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
