I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
