I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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