your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
