Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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