Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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