the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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