So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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