I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
