Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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