I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
