But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dicks are not precious.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
