Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
