It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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