the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i love accidental penises.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
