At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
