Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
