so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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