Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
