If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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