trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
