I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
