I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I looked at my own cervix.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize