my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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