I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
