please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
