be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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