be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
