if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
