Umm I'm too high to move.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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