please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
