dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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