We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
