I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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