I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
