I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
