If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
