The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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