saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
