If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
