i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
