ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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