Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
