"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
