Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
