I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
