the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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