Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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