you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
