Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
