I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
