Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize