Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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