Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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